Muhtesem Yuzyil
by ImanSlytherin
Summary: Original character between Suleyman's death and Kösem's arrival/Ahmet's ascension to the throne. During the reign of Mehmet III and while the Giray brothers tried to overthrow him.


I had waited for the girls to fall asleep before going to the common closet and changing into a marine and silver dress and a dark brown cape. I fit my feet into the first pair of shoes which fit me and quickly made my way to the secret passageway I had seen Şuruk Hatun use a few days prior.

Now my little escape here might have made you, dear reader, think that I wanted to escape. The truth was far from that, really. If I had wanted to escape, I would have done so long ago by killing my body and reappearing in the Mediterranean sea. What made me want to sneak out of the castle was a more innocent and genuine desire than freedom to a world which had nothing to offer me anymore. In the two years and seven months that I had been a Cariye, I had never once visited Istanbul. I was first fascinated by the Marble Palace, and then its grounds, but now I wished to discover a much more modest part of the Ottoman capital.

And so it was that I snuck out through a dank, moonlit tunnel and out into the flourishing woods that surrounded half of the palace grounds. I didn't take any means to defend myself besides a small kitchen knife that I kept closeby for emergencies. It was now inside the sleeve of the summer gown whose silver skirt sparkled under the shadows of the trees playing with the moonlight.

It was after an hour, more or less, that I caught sight of the village. Seeing my goal a few yards away made me quicken my steps to a run, dress and cape billowing in the summer chill, and dark curls bouncing in the dead of night. I was in the center of the village in no time and stood in the middle of the square, panting and smiling from ear to ear at having my endeavour succeed.

Looking around the square, I noticed numerous gaps which would've been where the market stands were mounted during the day. I glanced up at the starry night sky before closing my eyes and feeling an icy breeze run through my skirt and neck. Just then, I realized that freedom was well within my reach; but I dared not tempt fate. My intent was to visit the village and go back to the palace before dawn, and I had maybe two hours of sightseeing before I had to run back to the secret passageway.

I strolled through the empty marketplace and closed my eyes, picturing a busy market with colourful clothes and tapestries on display, and my nose caught the remainder of the scent of spices and oils and perfumes. I then started imagining the voices of the shopkeepers trying to get village people to purchase their daily needs from their stands.

It was at that moment that the door of a bar opened brusquely to kick out a drunkard who had not yet finished dressing back up. I escaped from his sight before making sure that he didn't know me, I couldn't run the risk of being captured again.

Making my way through the dark alleyways, I suddenly caught a smell that was unmistakeably familiar: The sea. There must have been a harbour nearby which sent back to me the iodized air that felt so inviting. I ignored the clouds gathering above my head as I followed my instincts and made for the shore.

When I arrived there, the sea was as quiet and calm as the surface of a glass of water, and the moonlight filtering through the darkening, orange clouds reflected almost flawlessly over the water and unto the horizon. Unconsciously, I reached out toward the sea and a single drop of rain wetted my bare forearm. Taken aback, I looked up at the sky to receive two more drops on my cheek and forehead.

My initial instinct had been to hide from the rain, in order not to have suspiciously wet hair upon arriving at the castle; but an afterthought overcame me as I decided not to care about being wet or dry. What was the worst that they could do to me? At best, no one would notice; at worst, I would be executed and offered the opportunity to restart a life elsewhere. There was truly no point in hiding from the rain, and so I relished in the downpour.

What started as individual drops of water progressively turned into a hail so loud it drowned the sounds of night. There were no fits of laughter, no clankings of wine cups and dishes, no distant sounds of hooves against the now wet ground. Nothing but the oh so inviting rain which wet me to my core. I rid myself of my cloak and let my hair become wet to the roots, a content smile gracing my dripping face.

Suddenly, I was taken by a thoroughly indecent euphoria which had me prancing and dancing under the rain while singing a lullaby I had learned in the harem-lik. I was in such a level of excitement and happiness that I didn't notice I was dangerously nearing the edge of the harbour while looking up at the hailing sky.

It was not until I nearly slipped over the edge and felt my ankle twist painlessly that I realized that I was in grave danger. Not that falling in the sea would kill me, but having to get from sea to land would require help and explanations if I wanted to go back to the palace. In the three seconds that lasted my slip, my mind travelled far ahead in the future when I would have to create a new life before having even ended the current one in death.

That was until I felt a strong and firm grip on my left arm which sent me toppling back on the hard ground. It took me a few seconds to realize that I went from hovering over the sea to falling on my arse in the opposite direction in less than a second, and I owed it all to the person who had gripped me tight.

Not daring to look up —not that I would have been able to discern the person's features through the heavy rain—, I regained my composure and took in my surroundings all over again. I saw the male figure moving, pacing really, around me slowly as though he were debating what to do with me now that he had saved me from what he thought would be certain death.

I looked up, then, and saw what might've been the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes on, so far. Even through the torrent, I could see that he had deep set eyes and a well-kept beard. He extended a helping hand, which I accepted, and stood to straighten what I could of my clothes. I stole glances at him as I drew my cape tighter around my frame, and I noticed that he wore the hood of his cape over his turban, which looked odd. I caught a glimpse of silk and satin under the moonlight filtering through the clouds, and I figured that he was a noble of some sort.

I cleared my throat and tried to talk over the loud spattering of rain, "Thank you, Agha."

His face, void of emotion, kept the same expression as he spoke in a velvety voice, "You're insane." I nodded, and he continued, "And careless." I pressed my lips together and looked down in shame, "And judging from your clothes, you belong in the palace."

I looked up at him, "Judging from ~your~ clothes, I'd say you do too, though I've never seen you there."

He scoffed and smirked, his beard moving with his lips, "Come with me." I frowned at him suspiciously, and he raised his arms level with his shoulders, "Unless you'd like to die of pneumonia, rather than drowning."

"Why would I trust you?" I blurted out before realizing I already knew the answer to that question.

He gave a short laugh, exposing shiny, white, and symmetrical teeth, and acknowledged, "Because I saved your life, and if I wanted to hurt you, I would've started already."

He started walking toward town and I caught up with him, "Perhaps you'd like to gain my trust before taking what you want from me, we don't even know each other." I remarked.

He laughed again, ~was he drunk?~ "You're more intelligent than you look."

I sneered, though he was not looking at me but straight ahead, "And you're more unpleasant than you look."

"Am I?" He asked, turning to me and raising an eyebrow, which I could perceive thanks to candlelight seeping from one of the houses.

I folded my arms over my chest, "Oh, don't be so full of yourself, Agha."

"It's Şehzad," he corrected me.

My eyes nearly fell out of their sockets as my arms fell at my sides and I immediately stopped walking, "I'm sorry, what?"

He smiled and exhaled sharply from his nose, "Şehzad Mehmet Giray, from Qırım."

My jaw went slack before I realized and gulped hard. I was facing a prince and I had been nothing but rude and suspicious of him. "I— I am so very sorry for my behaviour, Şehzad."

He gestured toward the road and we continued walking, "I will forgive you on one condition." I gave him a quizzical glance, and he went on, "Tell me your name and why you're looking to escape the palace."

"I'm not looking to escape the palace," I quickly specified, "I just wanted to visit Istanbul and be back by dawn, preferably before dawn prayer is called for."

He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head, "That explains the little dance on the harbour. And what about your name?"

I blushed at his mention of the dance that nearly complicated my existence before muttering, too low to hear under the sound of the rain which had intensified as we got surrounded by neighbourhoods; "Alayssabat."

He leaned down towards me, "What was that?"

I felt a shiver run down my spine at his proximity. I cleared my throat, "Alayssabat! That's my name."

He pursed his lips and nodded, "And before that?"

I frowned at first, and then it hit me, "Elizabeth. And before that, Iman."

"Which do you prefer?"

~Good question,~ I thought. Iman reminded me of my childhood, as the orphaned daughter of a carpenter who was the son of another carpenter, and who was sold to a slave driver. Elizabeth was given to me by Lord Arco, which had been the very reason I found myself in an Ottoman palace waiting to be consumed by a prince or a sultan in bed. I definitely did not like that name. And the fact that it reminded me of the only friend I had ever had did not help at all. No, I liked neither Iman nor Elizabeth, but I had no reason to dislike Alayssabat yet, and so that was my choice.

But before I could declare it, Mehmet grew impatient, "There must be quite a story behind each name, for you to be so indecisive."

"Alayssabat," I decided as I took the same turn right as he. "Why would you ask me this?"

We had arrived at a small castle, and I was still somewhat surprised to see him leading me there. "So I know what to call you, now if you would be quiet until I make sure that my brother is awake, that would be ever so delicate."

We entered a hall and I could finally discern his features, he turned out more attractive than I thought, especially with his light hazel eyes. At some point, I thought he could see me stealing glances at him, and so I fell one step behind him in order not to meet his eyes again. We had handed over our cloaks upon entering the castle, and he called for a maid whom he ordered to get the bath ready for me. I bathed as quickly as I could, not knowing what would become of me or if I would even see morning rise.

Once I finished, the same maid brought me a wine coloured dress with golden embroidery hugging the trunk and the rear of the skirt. I slipped it on with the matching fabric shoes that I was offered and got out the door to the candlelit corridor. The maid told me to wait as she went to call for Şehzad Mehmet. And he came within minutes, a smile gracing his angelic face. He had a noble way of standing straight with his hands behind his back, and looking so cool that the position didn't seem rigid.

"Is the dress to your liking?" Mehmet asked pleasantly.

"Very much, thank you. Well um… what now?" I asked, uncomfortably toying with the dragging silk sleeve of the summer dress.

"Now you will meet my brother. He probably has some sort of work for you, since you're from the Topkapı Palace," he announced, making me frown.

"What kind of work?" I asked.

He didn't answer me as he stopped in front of a closed set of doors, "We're here. Now, when you see him, please bow. He isn't as modest as I am."

~Nor as attractive,~ I thought as soon as the door opened to reveal a mean-looking, yet still somehow attractive man. I bowed before him and greeted his title, and then I stood straight, making eye contact with him.

He leaned back on his chair, finger tracing the lid of his silver cup as he regarded me with interest. "You're from the palace, isn't that right?"

I nodded and cleared my throat, "That is right, indeed."

He raised his eyebrows, "And yet you were out prancing in the harbour, at night, and under the rain with not a care in the world."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, "As I told your brother, I never meant to escape. I'm supposed to be back in there by dawn, or I won't have a roof over my head."

He narrowed his eyes at me, "Is that really all you fear? Having no house to live in?"

I shrugged despite myself, "What else could I fear?"

He raised his hands and let them fall nonchalantly, "Oh, I don't know, perhaps the dogs and gunshot firing guards that are after you at this very moment."

I pressed my lips together, "I only fear one thing, and that—"

He interrupted me, "Death?"

I tilted my head condescendingly, "God."

He puckered his bottom lip, "We fetched a pious young one, didn't we, Mehmet?"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. Malicious, perhaps," Mehmet grinned in my direction.

I gestured toward him while looking at Şahin, "He's closer to the truth."

He raised one eyebrow and stood up, slowly walking over to me, "So you really don't fear death…" He stopped behind me, too close for comfort, and murmured near my ear making the hairs on the back of my neck rise; "Not even if I slit your throat right here and now?"

I conjured up my repressed arrogance in saying, "You would make a dreadful mess on the carpet, not to mention the dress, but no. Everyone is supposed to leave this world at some point, and in whichever way is destined to them. The best one can do is be noble about it as I am now."

He walked past me, patting the small of my back on his way to his desk, "Witty as well, I see. You'll be useful. I have sent for someone to escort you back to the palace as quickly as possible, he also works for me and he will most likely be the one to update you with missions or whom you can update with the information that you hear in the harem-lik."

I waited for him to finish before asking, "What if I don't want to work for you?"

His self-satisfied demeanour fell at once while Mehmet snorted, "What do you mean?"

I relaxed my posture and ran my fingers through the front of my hair, "Nothing forces me to work for you, once I get back to the palace, I could just go on living and praying that no prince or sultan wants to bed me."

He glared at me venemously, but before he could speak there came a knock on the door, "Come in."

I turned around and the person who came in was no stranger to me, "Dervish?"

He hadn't noticed me until I spoke, and when he laid eyes on me his mouth gaped and his eyes reflected shock, "Alayssabat?"

Şahin's voice interrupted our exchange in a tone which suggested satisfaction, "I believe I just found the reason you'd work for me."

I turned to look at him, "Meaning?"

He spread his hands as Dervish stood by me, a foot to my left, "You two obviously know each other as more than a Cariye and an advisor ought to, and that is my guarantee that you will do what you're told."

I was at a loss for words, until Dervish shifted uncomfortably, "I'm sorry, I don't believe I fully understand what is going on."

"We found Alayssabat dancing on the harbour, nearly dying, and gave her a bath and a dress in exchange for work. And now she is fussy because she thinks that she is immune to death threats," his gaze turned to me, "but now I know that you might not fear dying, but you might fear being the cause of death."

~Being the cause of death…~

The words echoed in my mind for the fifteen or so seconds that I frowned at the desk. Then I looked back up at Şahin and replied, "I was going to do the work, Şahin, I only meant to help you fashion your argumentary."

He nodded slowly, sarcastically impressed, "Help me fashion my argumentary, now that's a nice way of calling blackmail."

I then rolled my eyes, "I said I would do it, now will you drop the subject or do I have to go through the trouble of killing you?!" I exclaimed, shocking all three of the men in the same room as me. I shrugged, "I told you I only feared God, so it's not some mean-looking Şehzad who is going to make me shake with fear."

He laughed then, husky and genuinely amused, "And pray tell, how would you go through the trouble of killing me?"

I gave the idea a thought before saying, "Either by distracting you and stealing a sword from one of the men in this room or by running away now and coming back with a bow and arrow."

"And you think that you'd do well with weaponry?" Şahin asked condescendingly, making my blood boil.

I turned to Dervish, "Let us have the opinion of a man here, since my being a woman deprives my mental and apparently physical capacities."

"Dervish," Şahin spoke invitingly, "do enlighten me in what she means."

Dervish drew in a breath and avoided making eye contact with me as he said, "The first time that I met Alayssabat, she was roaming around the grounds while I was practising archery. I allowed her to shoot a few arrows and she turned out quite adroit, I don't know what her skills in swords fight are worth, though."

For the first time during that conversation, Şahin looked honestly impressed with something concerning me. "A fighter… That's rare, and valuable. People will tend to underestimate you—"

"As you did," I put in.

He ignored me, "—and when they least expect it, you will be their demise. All you need is practice, you'll sneak out as you did tonight twice a week and come here directly for lessons."

My eyes lit up despite myself, "Honestly?" I asked excitedly, as a child would have.

He smirked, "I never like to see wasted potential. Now, off you two go; it's nearly dawn."

I waved stupidly before bidding, "Good night, Mehmet, Şahin."

"We're still Şehzads, Hatun!" Şahin declared, somewhat offended.

"Oh right," I bowed quickly, "my apologies."

The door closed behind us and Dervish and I made our way out. In the entrance hall, the maid gave me what I recognized as my cloak, now dry and warm as though it had been ironed. I thanked her and tied it around my neck as we made for the stable. Dervish was agonizingly quiet during our walk, and I wished he would talk.

When he finally did, I realized why one must be careful what one wished for, "Have you completely lost your mind?!" He bellowed, making me jump.

I glared at him, "I saved your life!"

"He was not going to kill me, I'm too valuable for that!" Dervish exclaimed.

I raised one eyebrow, "Well I hope you have strong ankles, for such a big head!"

He leaned over me predatorily before continuing down the stable line as though we hadn't been talking. He opened a box and got a dark horse out, he saddled the Arabian stallion before coming to face me. "You're going to have to ride with me."

I gave the horse a brief glance before replying with, "It is neither my first, nor my last time. I had a life before coming to Istanbul." I kept myself from specifying that I had had several lives, in fact.

He smirked at me maliciously, "Will you need help mounting?"

I returned his smile with a sweet one of my own, "No. Will you?" I asked, making his grin falter and mine flourish into a small giggle.

He mounted his steed and I followed, my foot nearly slipping on the muddy stirrup, "You'll have to hold on to me, the road is neither smooth nor will it be slow."

I fixed my dress and cape over the horse's behind and snaked my arms around his lower chest, "I'm ready."

"The rain stopped," he announced matter-of-factly as we exited the stable.

The ride that followed was the quietest I had experienced after the one with Lady of Arco, right after we had had to burn down her castle and household. After a dozen minutes on the fast stallion, I started feeling tired and could barely keep my head upright. I tightened my grip around Dervish's trunk and gingerly rested my head on his back. I felt him tense up at first, and then he relaxed under my temple.

By the time we arrived to the woods, my position had shifted from only my head and arms touching him, to me practically hugging Dervish's back as I tried to get some rest. I could hear his heartbeat thumping along to the sound of the horse's hooves, and it lulled me into a sense of safety I hadn't experienced in decades, and I was only thirty-two.

My heart dropped to my stomach when I could see the palace through the trees. I wanted the ride to last much more than it had, I wanted to be in Dervish's company for more time than just a small conversation and a silent ride. I realized how much I enjoyed his company, and that would cause my future demise for from then on I'd start missing him and looking forward to catching a glimpse of him in the palace hallways or wishing I could be assigned his room to clean. This sudden interest in him would cause me nothing but emotional trouble and—

"You'll have to wait for me in the secret passageway so I can make sure that your sudden presence isn't noticed by the guards." Dervish announced, pulling me out of my reverie.

I nodded before realizing that he wasn't looking at me and adding, "All right, I will."

We dismounted, he opened the tunnel door for me and mounted his horse again, "I'll enter through the main gates to lead Anid—" he gestured toward the head of the horse, indicating its name, "—back to the stable, and then I'll make way for you. It shouldn't take more than a half hour."

I nodded and he took off. I closed the wet door, careful to lock it as I had found it upon exiting the palace, and made my way through the dripping tunnel as slowly as I could in order not to have to wait too long for Dervish.

I was twenty minutes into the wait, with a furious urge to pace even though it was impossible in the narrowness of my setting, when I heard the stone wall move to allow a person and some light into the dank and confined escape hatch. The figure holding a torch at the entrance was Dervish, all right, but he was accompanied by someone else. When the figure neared the fire light, I immediately recognized Reyhan Agha and felt a slight panic. Had we been found out?

As though he had heard my question, and meant to answer it, Dervish closed the wall leaving Reyhan to stand watch and took a few strides toward me, placing the torch in a ring at some point on the wall. He stood at less than a foot from me, "Listen, you're going to follow Reyhan back to the harem-lik and he will make up an excuse for you if need be."

We stood for a minute, staring at each other, before I asked the question that's been gnawing at the back of my mind since he saved my life, "Why are you helping Şahin?" He pursed his lips and made to turn around, but I stopped him with a hand on his arm. He looked at the hand, startled, and then back at me, "Will you help me with this?"

He opened and then closed his mouth, and then opened it again to murmur, "You have no idea the danger that you're in."

I shook my head, letting a strand of hair blur my vision, "I don't fear Şahin."

"I don't mean Şahin Giray, but My Hunkar Mehmet," his lips slowly turned upwards to form a smirk, "I could sense that you regarded Şahin with disdain, back there."

"Not with disdain, I merely treated him as he treated me." I remarked, taking a fraction of a step towards him.

He raised his eyebrows, "If Şahin were in a bad mood, you would be missing a limb."

I raised one eyebrow, "That's what you think, but I stayed months on my own before I was captured as a slave. I could've taken him on at any moment."

He raised a hand in frustration and lowered it slowly as he spoke, "I just… please be careful with your words to him."

The answer, even though I had expected it, still baffled me. After a moment, I murmured, "Why would you care what happened to me?"

His eyes pierced through mine as he raised his hand again, but this time placed it on the right of my neck and jaw, "I… I have no idea. I only feel protective of you, and I ask you not to put yourself in so much danger anymore, because…"

"Because you won't always be here to save me." I finished his sentence for him, realizing that our faces were nearing one another's.

He closed the gap between our lips and kissed me softly at first, almost gingerly, and then he held my face with his other hand and the liplock turned into a passionate one. I placed my hand on his chest, not knowing if what I was doing with my lips was right or if I had to do anything with my hands. I then stopped thinking and let myself go, hands roaming through his chest and face, breaking and starting the kiss again. After the first few seconds, he pushed me against the wall and pressed his muscular chest against mine, snaking his hand under my cape and around my waist, to hold the small of my back. He had taken off his turban before coming back, and so I ran my fingers through his hair before he trailed his kisses down my neck and collarbone. I held the back of his head and bit my lip as his pace slowed to a stop.

He stepped away from me, a look of horror taking over his features. He fixed his robe and I did the same with my cape, feeling half flustered, half horrified with myself. We had opened a door to a room containing all the things we couldn't have from one another, and now we had lost the key to lock it back. Even if we never spoke to each other again, we would forever be linked with this memory.

He rearranged his features into those of a cool demeanour before stuttering, "I— I um… I apologise for this…"

"Uh yeah," I added in a tiny whimper, "so do I."

"You should…" he gestured toward the end of the tunnel, "… be on your way. It's nearly dawn."

My brow furrowed slightly as I nodded, "Right…" He stood a foot away from me, which now seemed too far rather than too close, as it had before our… thing. I hesitated before turning away from him, but before knocking on the wall for Reyhan to open it, I looked over my shoulder one last time, carving his image into my memory, and said, "Thank you… for everything."

He turned to me, hands linked at his back, face expressionless, but he didn't reply. I didn't expect him to, and so I knocked, giving up the last bit of privacy I thought I'd ever have with Dervish Agha. I went to bed that morning with a mixture of happiness and desperation that only love could muster. And I found out I had fallen in love with someone I had less than a chance with.

* * *

I hurried as I walked down the empty corridor, dress flapping behind me. As I turned a corner, I was faced with Reyhan and I nearly gave way to surprise before remembering that he was in with Dervish and me. I fixed my posture and walked toward him, he probably knew where Dervish was and he would tell me once he knew I had information.

I stopped a few feet from him and joined my hands before me, "Do you know where Dervish Agha is?"

He glared for a moment before uttering sarcastically, "Hello, yes I am well, and the weather has been nice. How have you been, Alayssabat Sultan?"

I rolled my eyes, "I need to talk to him, and you're never particularly inviting to small talk."

He raised his eyebrows after bearing a self-satisfied look for a second, "And why would you need to talk to him?"

I gave a quick look around in order to make sure that no one would listen, and then murmured, "It concerns Şahin Giray, I have news to deliver."

He leaned down towards me and murmured, "You can tell me, I am reporting to the Giray house tonight and it would spare you being suspiciously looking for Dervish Agha."

I stood straighter and raised one eyebrow, "I was told to only update Dervish, your name was never mentioned by Şahin, and I won't run the risk of making a mistake by telling you more than you ought to know."

Just then, Mustafa Agha turned the same corner I had a minute ago and saw the pair of us standing close and staring at them like guilty people. I turned my back on them and gave a meaningful glance at Reyhan who immediately caught on and gripped me tight from my arm.

"What exactly are you doing outside the harem-lik?!" He growled, making me whimper.

I used my helpless female tone of voice as I replied, "I— I meant to go to the kitchen and got lost. It was the fi—first time I went there alone."

"Reyhan Agha!" Mustafa called, walking over to us in his harem-keeping cool, "Could I know what this means?"

Still gripping me tight, a little too tight to be acting, Reyhan answered, "I found her far from the harem-lik at this time of night. What ever would her purpose be?"

With his left hand behind his back and his right one raised before his chest, as was his usual posture, Mustafa regarded me with interest before leaning toward me. "The kitchen is down the stairs, to the left as you leave the harem-lik. You could have asked the guards at every door, Hatun."

I looked up at him, trying to conjure up a little courage, and genuinely answered. "I'm too shy, Agha, Reyhan Agha was the first person I knew who came upon me. I was about to ask him when you came around the corner. I'm sorry."

He gave a quick wave of his hand, "You may leave, and ask for the way next time, or you'll get in trouble."

I nodded, "Of— of course, thank you Agha."

Reyhan then guided me by the arm down the hall and to the right, to an empty corridor. I tried to make his grip loosen but he looked angry.

I frowned at him, "He's gone now, you can let go of me."

"Not if someone meets us along the— Ahh, Dervish! Just who you were looking for, isn't it?" Reyhan sounded overjoyed with Dervish being at the end of a hall, but the latter raised his forefinger to his lips as we saw a five-year-old Şehzad Ahmed joining him.

I took advantage of Reyhan's surprise to free myself of his grasp. "You needn't hold me so strongly, Reyhan!" I hissed.

Dervish was apparently alone with Ahmed as they joined us. "Hello, Alayssabat Hatun! I haven't seen you in a long time!" Little Ahmed greeted me and I crouched before him, fixing a stray strand of his black hair.

"That's right, Şehzad, I've been working more in the kitchen lately. But I miss playing with you, I think I'll stay in the harem-lik more often."

That was when Handan Sultan appeared in the hallway with two of her Cariyes. "Ahmed? Where— oh, he's with you." She remarked as I stood up and curtseyed before her.

"Sultan, it's a pleasure seeing you. I see you're no longer ill, this reassures me." I greeted her as a friendly Cariye would. I didn't want her as an enemy.

She smiled brightly at me, "Yes, I do feel better. Ahmed kept going on and on about how much he missed you, he said you were the only Hatun who understood when he spoke of battles and swords."

Reyhan shot me an _"Is that so?"_ glance as I returned the Sultan's smile. "As I just told my Şehzad, I have been working in the kitchen in the past few days, which is why we haven't seen much of each other. But I'll try to spend more time with him."

She renewed her smile, "That would be delicate on your side, Hatun."

She then left past us and we bowed, Ahmed following her closely. I turned to Dervish and noticed he was still looking at the retreating crowned head.

Reyhan chose that moment to make his leave. "Well then, I'll leave you two to your gossiping."

As we happened to be a few doors away from his room, Dervish indicated the way there and we walked together in silence until he closed his door.

"Well, what is it?" He sounded frustrated.

I frowned at him. "Good evening to you as well, Dervish." Upon seeing him furrow his brow, I added. "What? Weren't you the one who insisted on being called Dervish?"

"Indeed, but that was bef—" He interrupted himself a little too late, for I had understood.

I stared deeply into his eyes and murmured, "You regret it…" Seeing his unease, I added. "You regret it as well, I mean."

He sighed, once I reformulated my statement, and sat heavily on his bed running his hands through his face. "It never should've happened."

_Oh, really?_

I folded my arms over my chest and contemplated his frustration. "Halime Sultan intends to get Şehzad Mahmud used to the throne while My Hunkar is on battle. Make of that what you will."

I was already at the door when he asked, "Why didn't you tell Reyhan? He must have told you he was reporting tonight."

"My instructions only included you, what if Şahin trusted you more?" I asked rhetorically before adding, "You know what? Let it be, I'll tell Reyhan from now on, you needn't worry about feeling guilty or frustrated or even disgusted. Have a good night, if you still can."

I didn't wait for an answer, and there most likely was one since he stood up and drew in a breath, as I left and closed the door on my way out. How in hell and on earth could I believe for a second that he had enjoyed himself as I had? Of course he regretted it, I mean, I'm only a slave girl whose former status was a slave as well. He was a warrior, someone of importance, he probably only kissed me because I was there. I could have hit myself with the force of my stupidity and gullibility.

I went to bed that night with angry tear tracks across my cheeks and the bridge of my nose.

*•*•*•*

Eight weeks later, between midnight and three in the morning, I found myself sparring against Şahin Giray. He had lent me men's clothes, for practicity, and had given me a ribbon to tie my hair back. By "he", I most certainly mean that he ordered a maid to supply me with my training gear.

During the first month of our partnership, Şahin focused on making me practise archery. And it was at our tenth encounter that he finally allowed me to use a sword. I had to admit that it was a first, for me to use an Eastern sword, and the outdoor training at night made it all the more challenging.

Despite taking to sparring less efficiently than archery, tonight was a rather lucky night for me as I dealt Şahin blow after blow, not letting him gain enough composure to strike me. This wave of energy might or might not have been fueled by the repressed anger and resentment that I felt toward Dervish.

These last few days, he had started openly ignoring me and my communications with Şahin only happened through Reyhan. I even started negotiating with other Cariyes in order not to have to deliver Dervish's laundry or meals myself.

"You're full of energy, tonight!" Şahin panted, interrupting my thoughts and cadence.

"Break!" I called, and he stepped back, allowing me to bend over and clutch my knees in an effort not to fall on the ground from exhaustion.

"Would it be presumptuous to ask what is making you feel so murderous?" He asked, chest wheezing in a breathless chuckle.

I stood back up and regarded him. "I felt you had to know what you were up against."

He smirked as he accepted a towel from his black slave. "Do you honestly think that you can fool me?"

I shrugged, laughing briefly as I took the water the maid was offering me. "No, but, as intelligent as you are, you might have noticed that I didn't want to talk about it." I handed him a cup of water which he accepted and we drank at once.

Şahin smirked at me. "Did another Cariye have an intercourse instead of you?"

Shock turned my face into a stranger's as I felt I had no other choice than to throw my sword at him. He deflected the blow and I stood weaponless in front of him, seething. I walked over to him and meant to punch him in the face, but he caught my fist as easily as he would have caught a mildly thrown ball. He shot me a _"Really?"_ look, and, before I could reply, a rider was admitted into the courtyard.

As the newcomer approached, I recognized him and emitted a groan. "Oh, please!"

Şahin was still holding my fist, which seemed tiny in his hand, as he turned to see who the rider was. "Dervish? That's why you're in such a foul mood?"

I freed my fist and went to pick up my sword. "We're here training, dawn is closer than you think."

He shrugged and dealt the first blow. It hit me right between my right shoulder and the crook of my neck. Had it not been a wooden sword I would have probably had a wound, and it would have been difficult to explain to the other girls in the baths. I doubled over, in order to throw him off, and then hit him with force to his left flank. I straightened myself and hit his right shoulder, but it landed on his sword.

I had just raised my sword to deflect his blow when Dervish's greeting made me lose my balance and allowed Şahin to strike my left temple and send me on the ground between the two men. I immediately sat up and cursed in German. Şahin gave me a hand up, which I accepted, and chuckled as he gingerly checked my temple.

"This will stop bleeding in a few minutes if you don't touch it," he announced. "You were doing well before Dervish came. I do wonder why that changed, Hatun." His tone betrayed malice I hated to discern in his features.

I glared openly at the prince. "What ever do you mean, _Şehzad_?"

He cleared his throat loudly as his eyes went meaningfully from me to Dervish and back again. "Anyway, do you have news, Dervish?"

The Agha took a minute in recovering his composure and erasing the curious look from his face. "No, Şehzad, no news."

Şahin took back the towel from the slave and dried his face from sweat. "Marvelous! So that means you can escort her back to the castle right after she bathes."

Just then, it hit me that I'd have to spend a whole ride with Dervish, and that I'd have to hold on to him for safety. "Uh Şahin?" I called hesitantly, and then bowed my head quickly.

He raised his eyebrows. "What is it?"

I fumbled with the flappy sleeve of my masculine white shirt and looked towards the maid for comfort. I had grown close to her, for she was the one to always care for me when I was in the Giray house. "It's been more than two months, wouldn't I be allowed to ride on my own? You know that I can."

He had been facing the front door, but turned towards me and stepped close. "And how would Dervish explain coming back on his own with two horses?"

"Uh… your eunuch will ride with me and bring you back the horse!" I exclaimed, avoiding eye contact with Dervish at all costs.

Şahin pursed his lips, "Hm... It is rather odd that you only expressed this wish when Dervish came to escort you back. Why did this never happen when Reyhan was the rider who took you to the palace?"

I shrugged, "Because it never crossed my mind until tonight."

He raised one eyebrow, "You may be precious, but you're not irreplaceable. I suggest you forgot about this type of requests."

I rolled my eyes and huffed, "Fine! Am I still allowed to bathe or do I have to dip in a lake on my way there?"

He indicated the house with his hand and I stomped past them with a strong urge to ram my shoulder against Şahin's. We went to the bath room and Hayriye, that was the maid's name, quickly started running the bath for me. I sat at the edge of a tub and started taking off my clothes and slipping on the Futa, which was a towel-like garment that covered my trunk from my chest to the top of my thighs. She then untied the ribbon from my hair, which I had forgotten, and started pouring water on my shoulders and rubbing them with soap.

"The heat will help the bruises disappear in a short time. By your next bath, they will have vanished nearly completely."

"Thank you, Hayriye," I murmured, "what about my temple?"

"It's just like Şehzad said, you needn't pick on it. Let it dry when you get out of the bath, and I'll fix your hair in such a way it is kept hidden."

"You're very kind, I'll repay you when I can." I promised her, turning around to smile at her.

She was on the verge of pouring water on my hair but as I turned around, the water came on my face and made me choke momentarily. "Oh, I'm so sorry Hatun..!"

She trailed off as I broke into a fit of laughter and coughing, raising a hand to signal that it was all right. "It is quite all right, I assure you. I figure I needed something to clear my head."

She smiled reluctantly, still feeling guilty from the looks of it. "Can I ask you something?"

I nodded, "Of course, ask away."

"Why do you feel that way toward Dervish Agha?"

The question took me aback, and I figured I might as well confess to her and have an opinion on the matter. And so I told her every detail of the story as she ran a brush through my wet hair. She hmm'ed along as I added fact after fact, and once I was finished so was she and we started getting myself dressed.

"My opinion, Hatun, is that he is embarrassed of having succumbed to temptation. He is angry with himself, and not with you. I saw how he looked at you while you were sparring against Şehzad Şahin, he admires you." Hayriye told as she buttoned the back of my dress.

I scoffed, "Admires me? Why has he been acting so foul towards me, if he was angry with himself?"

She indicated for me to sit down as she collected brushes and hair pieces. "He did that in order for you to dislike him, in such a way that you wouldn't come near him and invite him to kiss you again."

I was about to answer when the door opened to Şahin Giray in riding clothes. "You have a second horse and a second rider, Alayssabat. I meant to visit the castle anyhow."

I blinked several times, astonished. "Y— You? I didn't mean to—"

He chuckled, "As I told you, I meant to visit the castle in any case. Now be quick about your hair, and make sure you hid the wound on the left." With that last piece of advice, he exited the room and closed the door behind him.

Both Hayriye and myself stayed silent and unmoving for a few minutes until I regained my composure. "Well that'll definitely make for an awkward ride. It'll teach me to keep my damned mouth shut."

"Alayssabat, I have one last question." She muttered hesitantly.

I nodded once, "Yes?"

"What does a kiss feel like?"

I turned to her blushing face and gave her a genuine smile. I stood up as she tied the cloak at the base of my neck and I described the feeling as accurately as I could. I then made my way to the stable on my own, alone with my thoughts. I found them both in the courtyard, waiting, with an insulting stool awaiting me at the hooves of Şahin's mare, on her left. I deliberately went toward the right and mounted without the help of that insignificant piece of wooden furniture.

"Pride is the deadliest of sins, Alayssabat." Şahin remarked as I spread my cape over the horse's golden behind.

"I never needed the help of anyone or anything to mount a horse. And tired from training or not, I won't start today."

He sighed audibly. "Are you ready or not?"

I clutched his trunk, "Ready."

The ride was less awkward than I thought. Dervish spoke less, and Şahin kept going on and on about the mistakes I made while sparring, though I pointed out his weaknesses just as fairly. We arrived in no time at all, and I waited in the tunnel three quarters of an hour instead of the usual half hour. The person that greeted me at the entrance of the passageway was, to my great despair, Dervish. When he got in and locked the wall behind him, there came a knock on the wall indicating that we ought not to go at once.

I avoided looking at him, at first, and then decided to speak up. "Why are you like this with me?"

He drew in a breath and murmured emotionlessly. "You obviously don't regret what we have done here, whereas you should."

"I don't understand why _you_ regret it," I stressed, "we both wanted it at the time we did it, and let me remind you that you initiated the kiss, and—"

"Quiet!" He hissed, "People can hear you."

"Oh yes, that must be why you're—"

He shot me a glare that made my blood run cold. "Come to my room at dinner time, tonight, and we'll talk."

*•*•*•*

Working in the kitchen, I still hesitated on whether I ought to be in charge of his meal or not. But when the cook called for Dervish Agha's meal, I nearly yelled to be the one to deliver it. I walked up the flight of stairs nervously, and when I arrived at his door I asked the doormen to knock for me.

"Come in… you can place the tray on the table, and close the door, will you?"

I bit the inside of my cheek in order not to retort with a witty remark about his bossy demeanour. I did as he told and stood by the table, then, hands joined before me. He took his time in putting back his papers and books in place, which infuriated me.

"I have other tasks to accomplish, Dervish _Pasha_." I added the title sarcastically, lacing my words with as much venom as I could.

He looked up from his gathered books and smirked. He placed them on his desk and came to face me, less than a foot away from me so that I faced his chest. I looked up and found him still smirking. "Do you hate me?" Dervish asked, voice velvety and full of malice.

My genuine look of curiosity turned into a disapproving frown. "I hate your behaviour toward me."

Suddenly, and without preamble, he placed his hand on the small of my back and pulled me to his chest so that there was no space left between us. He whispered, "You do?"

My mind and will divided into two parts, at that moment. One part begged me not to fall into this trap that would only make me fall for his art more than I had already had. The second part, in contrast, wanted nothing more than to give in to his flirtation and taste his kiss once more. The second part of my mind was reckless, stupid, and overall desperate; which was why I decided to ignore it and free myself of his lustful grasp. I glared at him for a minute in which he was confused, and then wordlessly made my way to his door. I knocked once, loudly, and the doormen opened the door for me. I thanked them as per my habit and stomped past them.

I was nearly to the stairs when I heard the door open again and his thunderous roar echoing through the marble corridor like a lion. "Alayssabat!"

I whipped around, veil and sleeves too slow and so the vision of Dervish standing in the doorway in his battle stance came to me as in a hazy, amber dream, for I was wearing a dress of amber colour and the silk veil matched. At first, I felt shock at his utterance of my name in such a rage, but that quickly vanished to be replaced with rage of my own.

I responded with equal anger, "What?!"

To my satisfaction, he seemed momentarily taken aback. "I have to talk to you," he sounded much calmer than he looked.

I debated leaving him there, but I wanted to hear what he had to say; and so I walked toward his room in a quick pace in case someone walked by and saw me. He closed the door behind me and indicated for me to sit down at the dinner table with him. I thought to specify to him that my having duties was not simply a means to escape confrontation, though it would have proved superfluous. He sat facing me and invited me to eat with him. I shot him a doubtful glance; wasn't he on the verge of kissing me a couple of minutes ago?

I frowned at him as I picked on a small bit of bread. "What exactly is the meaning of this? I thought you had something to say."

He frowned through his mouthful of rice. "Can't I have dinner _while_ saying something?"

I rearranged my seated position. "That would prove unbecoming, Agha."

He raised his eyebrows maliciously. "Oh, so I'm _Agha_ now."

I tilted my head and shot him a cold glance. "Give me one good reason not to leave this room at once and for good."

"You love me." He stated nonchalantly before adding, "Or at least, you care about me."

I filled my mouth with the last bit of bread and glared at him. I had nothing to say against this, and so we ate agonizingly slowly and wordlessly for around fifteen to twenty long minutes. When he was finished, he poured me wine and then for himself. I shrugged inwardly and figured that one cup of wine wouldn't do me ill.

"Do you know how difficult it is?" Dervish asked, out of the blue, right before having a sip of his drink.

I raised my left eyebrow, which stung my temple. Forgetting completely about Şahin and Hayriye's advice, I had picked on it during the day, wondering why Dervish had called me to his room; and now it was bleeding again. I ignored it for the moment, and kept my glaring intense toward Dervish as I emptied my cup in one last gulp.

"What ever do you mean?" I asked, mustering boredom in my tone of voice. I angled my body outside the small table and hugged my knees.

"Ever since the day I allowed you to shoot a few arrows, my mind has constantly been sending me back to when I had you in my arms. And then I kissed you, knowing fully that I was making a mistake but relishing in the moment." He spoke in a low, velvety tone that entranced me for a few seconds. "And when I sobered from your scent, I realized what an awful mistake I had made; and thus I tried my hardest to forget about your existence, and the feelings you arose within me. But that was without counting on your response to my reaction, which has made me fall in love with you even more than I thought I had."

"And that must be why you have been acting foul towards me for the last weeks?" I asked impatiently, looking away from his enthralling eyes.

"You could say that, yes…" Dervish chuckled, making my heart melt and my rational mind curse it.

I faced him, then, still hugging my knees. "All right, fine, and now what?"

He regarded me for a minute, a smile playing at his lips. "Now, I would like to stop fighting my feelings for you, Alayssabat."

"If you mean that you would like to bed me, I'm afraid that won't be possible. I have been examined by the physician to make sure to be eligible for My Hunkar—"

His laugh cut me off rather abruptly. "Do you honestly think that there isn't more to my feelings for you than lust?"

He stood up and held out his hand. I stood facing him, my left hand in his warm and dry one. "What else is there?" I murmured meekly.

His left hand held my right cheek as he whispered passionately. "I want to know every second of your life. I want to share the rest of my life with you, and to marry you and have you bear my sons. I want you to defeat me in swords fight, and I want to take you hunting. I want to teach you about what I know, and I want you to teach me what I don't know. You are the perfect balance between the charm of a woman and the intelligence and skill of a man. (sexist much) And I love you, Alayssabat. I love you with all my heart."

I hadn't realized my jaw had gone slack until I needed to swallow. I caressed his fingers with my thumb, with the hand that still held his; and I raised my right hand to cup his jaw. His declaration had made my heart pulsate with passion and happiness, and I wished to tell him how I felt about him. However, words failed me and the only way I thought would communicate my feelings toward him would be to show him.

I pulled him towards me and kissed him fiercely. His left hand resumed the position it had had when I pushed him away earlier, closing the distance between our chests. I felt our hearts thumping against one another's, and even then I felt the need to be closer to him.

We were in the midst of our embrace when we heard a knock on the door. A distinct way of knocking, too, as it came in two pairs. Dervish ended the kiss and looked, alarmed, at the closed door.

"Someone's coming, get busy. I'll be the one to accompany you to the Giray house on Thursday, we'll talk then."

He gave me one last, brief kiss and went to sit on his bed while I gathered the dishes on the tray. Sure enough, a genuine knock came at the door and Dervish invited whoever it was inside.

It turned out to be Handan Sultan, who, before even greeting Dervish, seemed shocked to see me. "What happened to you, Hatun?"

I frowned as I picked up the round tray. "Sultana?"

She approached me and cupped my chin, a worried look etched on her face. "You're bleeding, it seems to be coming from your head."

She turned to Dervish with an accusatory frown, and I spoke up immediately. "It must be from when I fell in the bath, Sultana. I thought the bleeding would stop completely after I dried, but I was wrong."

"Please go see the harem physician for that, Hatun." Handan sounded calmer and more peaceful as she said that. "Remind me of your name."

"Alayssabat," I replied with a curtsey.

She nodded and seemed preoccupied, "All right. Go, before you lose so much blood you'll pass out."

I left at once, relieved to have been able to find an excuse quickly. I felt an odd sort of happiness, that night, like I could conquer the whole world from where I lay.

*•*•*•*

I arrived on Thursday night at the Giray house on Dervish's steed. We hadn't talked much, but I could hug his back freely and without causing him to tense up. I hopped off of Anid in a quick jump and already started to untie my cape when Şahin exited the house with his arm in a sling.

I shot him a curious glance, "What happened to the great Şahin Giray? Slipped in your bath?"

"I would like a little respect for my title," he sneered, "I have been training with Mehmet and he proved stronger than I thought."

"The formalities stop when I exit the palace," I declared, "as for Mehmet, I too thought he was not much of a fighter; which is why I find it difficult to believe that he caused your impotence."

"It is true, though," Mehmet's voice startled me as he came from around the house, dressed in training gear.

My jaw went slack, "Y—You're the one training me tonight?"

He grinned sheepishly, "Don't worry, Hatun, I'll go easy on you. Now, go get dressed, we don't have a lot of time."

An hour later had me drenched in sweat and cursing Şahin's wound. Mehmet must have had a different notion than mine of "going easy". I called for the third break and asked Hayriye Hatun for water, and it was at that moment that Dervish and Şahin got out of the house and went to stand at the side of the black eunuch, whose name I hadn't asked for yet.

I glared at Mehmet through my drink, "You said you'd go easy on me, Şehzad."

"You never call _me_ Şehzad," Şahin remarked.

I gave a large, sarcastic bow in his direction. "If you hadn't been so weak, I wouldn't be in this position right now; so I blame you."

He blinked several times, "I'm sorry, weak?! I could beat you right now, if I didn't want to heal quickly!"

I sighed exaggeratedly, "Alas, you wish to recover quickly. And Mehmet is on the verge of killing the little woman that I am, alas, alas."

Şahin stared at me condescendingly while Dervish and Mehmet fought a smile. "Get started already, Alayssabat. I don't believe Dervish has ever seen you practise."

I shrugged, "Neither has Mehmet, and yet he's dishonouring my skills."

"To be frank, you're doing better than I thought." Mehmet declared, using the towel from the eunuch.

"I believe I ought to thank you, though I don't really feel like you'd spare me if I did." I smirked at him as I placed myself back in fighting stance.

"Wait!" Şahin called with his good hand up, "I have an idea. Dervish, replace Mehmet."

My heart began pounding furiously at his words. "What?"

"I do not think this is wise, Şahin. Dervish is a warrior—"

"And a teacher. Who better than him to teach her?" Şahin stated maliciously.

Dervish was already ridding himself of his vest as he took Mehmet's place and sword, and I stood there, helpless. "Are you all honestly serious?"

Mehmet frowned indulgently, "Of course, what's the matter? Afraid he might kill you?"

I toyed with the hilt of the sword and looked down as I muttered, "No, I saw how he was with Şehzad Ahmed, teaching him wrestling…"

Şahin had started slowly pacing near me. "Oh, so you'd like to wrestle with Dervish?" He murmured, making me choke on spit.

"Şahin!" I yelled indignantly, planting the wooden weapon in the ground.

"How about you two got started?" Mehmet suggested, hiding a smirk.

I found the idea refreshing, and I acted upon it as, in three strides, I advanced upon an unsuspecting Dervish and assaulted him with my sword. The first blow hit him on the shoulder, he dodged the second and deflected the third. On my fourth blow, he disarmed me and had the tip of his blade at the base of my throat.

"Lesson number one," he spoke the way I heard him do with Ahmed, "you have to keep your mind straight while battling."

My eyebrows jumped at his advice and I stayed immobile, as his sword was still raised. I visualized myself swatting his sword and taking the opportunity of his confusion to disarm him as well, and then did so. Except that when his sword was also away, he grabbed me by the arms in a paralyzingly strong grip.

His face was inches from mine as he murmured, "Always trust your weapon when your opponent is physically stronger than you."

I made to shrug but couldn't, and so my shoulders briefly tensed, as I said, "If my opponent is unfairly stronger than me, then he most likely has spots that are unfairly weaker than mine."

Dervish smirked and right before he answered, Şahin's voice made him loosen his grip, "What's happening out there? Aren't we training?" His voice was void of innocence as he knew full-well that he was interrupting something.

I freed myself from his grasp and strolled toward my sword. "We were discussing strengths and weaknesses, Şehzad."

Şahin raised his eyebrows, "Were you?"

Dervish cleared his throat, "Indeed."

Şahin jabbed the forefinger of his bad arm patronizingly, "It's a really dangerous game you two are playing at."

I raised my eyebrows, feigning innocence, "What game?"

"Oh, please!" He interjected.

"The matter only concerns the pair of us, Şehzad." Dervish spoke suddenly, making all heads turn to him.

Mehmet took a look at the sky before dropping his hand on Şahin's shoulder, making the latter wince. "I think that's enough training for tonight, let her go home early this time."

"That's not how she's going to improve, and what's more she doesn't go out every night, if—" Şahin interrupted himself as his eyes went from me to Dervish and back again. "Yes, all right, you can go bathe. Dervish, I have to talk to you."

Half an hour later had me sitting on an ottoman while Hayriye did her best to heal my temple, which had started bleeding again for the heat of the bath. She had, of course, asked me how my relationship with Dervish had evolved; and I told her. It felt nice to have someone to talk to about Dervish, but it would have felt so much better to tell Aline of my life in the palace. I still had hope of finding her and telling her everything around a cup of mold wine, or tea.

She had just pulled out a dark red crumple of fabric when a knock came at the door. "Just a moment, I'm not yet dressed."

I took the dress from her and unraveled it quickly to slip it on. It had buttons down the front of the bust, which meant I could wear it all myself. I had told Hayriye to let my hair down and so only needed the veil at the top of the back of my head, which she placed while I buttoned the dress. The gown bore lace whose colour was a mixture of silver and gold, going tightly down the bodice and expanding down the skirt.

Once finished, I allowed who turned out to be Dervish in. He dismissed Hayriye and walked slowly toward me, hands joined behind his back. "You look ravishing."

Unused to being complimented, I frowned minutely before bowing, and going to kiss his knuckles and bracing my forehead against the back of his hand. He then took my head between his hands tenderly and kissed my forehead. For the first time in my life, I felt loved in an entirely new way. And I felt as happy as I could possibly be.

_And yet, one thing was missing. One essential thing. I figured the need would go away once I was with child, but even as I held my dear Bayezid to my chest, I still felt a hollow in my heart. That place would only ever be filled by you, dear friend. You complete me in a way no one else could, and I can never feel genuinely happy than when I'm with you._

* * *

It had been a blessed month in which I hadn't gone out of the palace at all for good reason. It was Ramadan, and the whole household would be awake most of the night, enjoying long evenings filled with music, dancing, and plentiful of food and tea for the royal family. On occasion, a notable or a Paşa would be invited for the night and I thought I'd caught a glimpse of Mehmet Giray in one of those nights, but I wasn't sure and I had no way of finding out for there was no one who could enlighten me without wondering why I cared.  
I had been chosen to accompany Fahriye Sultan for the next-to-last day of Ramadan and she had elected to take a walk in the garden in the afternoon, where a tent was already set up with the Imperial guards surrounding it. We could only perceive the left side of the setup, which restricted our vision to a dark green screen embroidered with gold and silver, and two guards.

It was the middle of December, meaning that everyone was heavily dressed in full sleeves, fur or wool capes and gloves. The grass was fully covered in snow, and not a sound was emitted aside from our boots crushing the snow and the distant murmurs of the Sultan and his male guests murmuring about what I figured was politics.

It's fair to say that, when we finally reached the entrance of the tent and I saw who the Sultan's guests were, I was genuinely shocked.  
There, hovering over a map laid out on a table, was Sultan Mehmet III with to his right, Mehmet Giray, and to his left, Şahin Giray. Upon noticing the arrival of Fahriye Sultan, the princes bowed briefly, though I could swear that I'd discerned a blush crossing Mehmet's features. As I tried keeping a low profile, I found that Şahin kept trying to lock eyes with me, and when I finally obliged, he gave me a glance that I recognised from our training sessions. He was going to do something he thought was extremely clever, though most times it ended up being more reckless than successful.

Greetings were murmured, followed by polite small talk which usually bored me out of my wits, though in that moment I was trying to lock eyes with Şahin and try to dissuade him from whatever suicidal pattern he intended on drawing. His next unspoken message bid me to trust him, as he often did when trying to teach me weaponless self-defense. I then realised that I had been spending so much time with Şahin that I had gotten to know most of his personality as well as being able to read him like an open book. I unfortunately couldn't say the same about my love interest, Dervish, who had been sent to Egypt to chaperone Humaşah Sultan who had just been married off to an Egyptian Pasha. With Dervish, I never knew where I stood, neither could I predict any of his actions; and this set me off, most of the time.  
With Şahin, it was different. From one look at him, I could discern his mood, emotions, and what his next move would be. I would later learn that I had acquired that skill from our sparring sessions, but in that moment it felt strange. And strange in an almost intimate way. So intimate, in fact, that the handmaiden to my left elbowed me slightly to remind me to keep my gaze averted from the Crimean prince.

"Fahriye, what brings you here on this ill-tempered day? Shouldn't you be by the fire in your quarter or in mother's?" His Majesty asked, making the fat of his enormous double chin wiggle with a chuckle.  
"I bored of the indoors. I thought to go for a ride on the steed that you so generously gifted me for my first wedding, and came to ask for permission." Fahriye's features radiated a warm smile I had never before seen on her widowed face. I wondered which of the brothers attracted her interest, until I heard Şahin's voice interject.  
"Your Highness, I do believe that this day is perfect for a ride. This is, after all, the last Thursday of the blessed month. Anyone would want to go horseback riding."  
I didn't look up, at that moment, but I swore I could feel his gaze piercing through me.  
"Do you think I'm not looking, Şahin?" The Sultan's voice suddenly took a menacing tone. "You've been eyeing my slave ever since the females appeared."  
"I can keep no secrets from His Majesty," Şahin chuckled. "Indeed, she is most interesting to me."  
"In what aspect?" He asked, and I could feel his stare on me as well as the attention of everyone fixated on me for a while.  
"I wonder what she would look like as the centrepiece of an Eid entertainment." Şahin declared, making my blood run cold. What exactly was he suggesting?  
"Indeed, she could do well. But she's too dark for my taste." The Sultan admitted before addressing me personally, making me quake with fear. "Come closer, Hatun."

I shakily walked closer to the crowned heads, until I was only a few feet from the Sultan. I was downright quaking with fear from what might be the issue of the interaction, and I was determined to find a way of making Şahin pay for it… somehow.  
The Sultan walked over to me, closing the distance between us almost completely, as he unceremoniously lifted my chin with his forefinger, blowing his fasting breath on my face in cloudy mists. It took all my willpower not to cringe at the horrid smell as I let him inspect my face and body before he turned around to face Şahin again and grunt.

"She's too dark. You can have her in your harem as a Eid gift, Giray, you deserve it."

No one in the vicinity could tell if it was a compliment or the opposite that the Sultan had directed both at Şahin and at me. But one thing was sure, I would be Şahin's property starting from Saturday night. I don't exactly remember how I felt in that moment, to be frank, but what I do remember is that I kept praying for this to be one of Şahin's plans to overthrow Mehmet III and not just the actual purchase of my person.

°•°•°•°

"… and then, Mahifiruze and Şehrazat are going to spread to reveal Alayssabat with the silk. At that moment, everyone else will still in this position, your fan covering your face and your other hand on your waist. Now, Alla, I'm going to need you to be seductive towards Şahin Giray—" Mihrimah, the dance teacher, instructed before I interrupted her.  
"What?"  
"His Majesty has offered you to the prince, Alayssabat, and there is but one outcome of this. Şahin wants to have an intercourse with you. You're going to join his harem in the capital and accompany him if he chooses to go back to Crimea. And, in order to safeguard the reputation of the Ottoman harem, you need to at least satisfy him in bed. If he is displeased with you, I do fear for your fate and ours."  
"Why would you fear for your fate?" I asked, aghast.  
"Simply because if you're not good enough, none of us is. They'll send us all to the Old Palace and replace us with new acquisitions. Our time would be over."  
"Not to mention that, if it happens, we'd all be out to get our revenge on you, Alla, so you need to make that prince fall in love with you." Mahifiruze warned me with a threat in her voice.

I shot her a condescending glance despite my slight panic at having the fate of the whole harem resting in my hands. The rest of that day was spent with the dressmaker, who took my measurements again for my performance outfit. I wasn't given any information about what I would be wearing, and just sent off to rehearse some more. Only when I was confident that I had mastered the dance did i allow myself to have a meal.

That happened on Thursday night, and the dance would be on Saturday. Three people were working on my costume and most of the girls threw me uneasy glances all evening. I understood them, honestly, I wasn't even sure that I was fit for the job myself. It was the very first time I was assigned to dance, since my primary function in the palace was _jariye_ and not a potential concubine. That, of course, had been Şuruk Hatun's decision when, during my inspection after my first bath, she concluded that I was not a virgin. I hadn't had time to die and be eligible for intercourse with a royal, and I wasn't displeased. At least, until Şahin came up with his genius plan whose outcome I had yet to find out.

°•°•°•°

On Saturday morning, I took no part in the festivities. I barely even had the time to collect my Eid aspers before I was sent off for a last rehearsal before bathing. At around noon, I had a quick lunch with the girls and was again sent off for a last fitting of the costume I had yet to see.

"Get dressed, quickly, you've to dance in seven hours and this is twelve hours' work." The dressmaker, Halita Hatun, tossed a pearl white bundle at me as she sat herself on a wooden stool.

*Seven Hours Later*

Halita finally sat back on her stool with an exhausted sigh. "If you tear it or mistreat it, I might just faint. Please, be careful with it."  
I nodded, still mesmerised by my reflection on the full length mirror. "Am I seriously expected to dance with this?"  
"You're supposed to seduce the prince and look desirable, Hatun. And I'd say it has serious chances of working." Mustafa Agha's voice startled me as I turned to look at him. "Go get ready, the Giray brothers have just been announced."

At receiving this bit of information, my heart started beating as fast as a caged bird's wings. Mustafa escorted me to the beauty parlour, all the while silent and solemn. Did he fear being sent off to the Old Palace as well? I felt nothing but nerves as Mihrimah and Hatice Hatun fixed my hair and perfumed my body, respectively. My stomach tightened when Bulbul Agha came to announce that the princes were seated in the harem and waiting for the performance. All while fixing my hair, Mihrimah kept a flow of advice running through her lips, sometimes so subtle that it might have sounded like advice to herself. In any case, I was too nervous to pay attention to what she was saying.  
Approximately three minutes after Bulbul announced the princes, I was finally ready and given a full length mirror to inspect myself. When light finally hit my reflection, it felt like an anticlimactic moment. The person staring back blankly at me didn't feel any different from usual. If anything, I didn't like the way the costume hugged my body too tightly in the bust and how wide the skirt seemed, for such a light fabric. Although, in fact, the fabric from below my ribs to the golden, bejewelled belt was removable as part of the dance. The dress was made of a flowing kind of white silk, which moved as though through a light breeze at every one of my moves. I noticed two slits in the skirt, to allow me to move more freely and to show off my legs— or at least my calves. Hatice had given me an anklet which I was sure would be noticed, and the linked bracelet and ring of gold on my right hand wouldn't go unnoticed as well. The dress was sleeveless, giving the impression of a twentieth century bra over a loose corset of silk. The pieces of silk covering my trunk were strategically fastened at the shoulder straps, in order for their extraction during the dance to happen as smoothly and sensually as possible.

°•°•°•°

As I was taken to the harem, escorted by the snappy pair of Mustafa and Bulbul Agha, I fought to keep my lunch where it ought to stay and to still my shaky legs. My hands felt sweaty, and I was starting to feel like I'd forgotten the steps to my dance. When we arrived at the front entrance, Bulbul penetrated the harem to ask the musicians to change the tune and the other girls to get ready for my dance, since they had been entertaining the princes while I was getting ready.

Standing next to me, and shielding me from the view of the people in the harem, Mustafa leaned towards me with his hands linked before him and murmured, "You're going to be fine. And, God willing, your life will take its best turn tonight. You don't need to be afraid, all you have to focus on is your dance. Forget that anyone is watching you, and everything will be all right." He then glanced down at me for a second before adding, "Besides, you wouldn't need a dance for Şahin Giray to want you."

This made me emit a nervous chuckle, I didn't say anything however and I was ever so thankful that I wouldn't have to sing, for my voice had left me. My only wish was for no one to make me speak until my dance was over.

That was when it happened. The music shifted to a quiet violin chorus accompanied with ever so light taps on a lap drum and a few flying notes on a mandolin every ten seconds or so. My heart beat in sync with the drum as I smuggled myself in the midst of the dancers crowding at the entrance for my reveal. As we progressed through the harem and towards the guest of honour's settlement, the violins grew stronger, the drum grew more erratic and faster, and the mandolin was giving steady strums. And when the music reached its peak, which coincided with all dancers being finally in place in front of the guests, all instruments stopped except for a single, high violin note as every dancer sank to the carpeted floor to reveal me, arms stretched as gracefully as I could when trying not to get sick, in the way that a bird would unfurl its wings.

The note, as well as my position, lasted for two excruciatingly slow seconds for effect, until the three other instruments picked up the music in a cheerful yet romantic melody, and I executed most of the steps with the girls backing me up as we were all parts of the choreography. I made a point of avoiding the guests' area so as not to feel anxious about the brothers' judgment on my dance.

And, naturally, when I focused most on avoiding them was when I accidentally made eye contact with Şahin and realised that he was literally the only one sitting behind a table of desserts while Valide Sultan Safiye was sat a little ways farther from him, stroking her white angora named Elizabeth. At that moment, my foot slipped on the carpet and I went a fraction of an inch from spraining my ankle. I caught myself in time so as not to get seriously hurt, but my mishap didn't go unnoticed.

"Get a hold of yourself, for goodness' sake!" Mahifiruze hissed at me when she was positioned behind me, the music drowning her voice from everyone but me and a few dancers.

I didn't answer as I continued following the steps and felt my solo approaching dangerously. And when it did, all the girls started positioning themselves around me in a half circle, right hand on right hip and left hand holding up the fan to cover their face, one by one until I was the only one standing in the middle.  
The music then changed, with only the lap drum drawing intricate auditive patterns and making my heart follow each tap on the animal skin of the instrument. Slowly and inconspicuously, I placed my hands on my shoulders and got a hold of the silk. That moment was when I had to lock eyes with Şahin and start on the seduction. The drummer was installed on the upper floor and was watching my every move, for we depended on each other's performance. I looked up at her briefly and then back at Şahin and in one swift move, I removed the sheets and at the same time the drum grew suddenly more intense as the rest of the instruments played for five more seconds before muting completely. My solo would only be supported by the sound of the lap drum.

It was obvious that I felt pretty satisfied with myself when I saw the genuine look of surprise cross Şahin's features for half a second before he caught himself and got back to his cold demeanour.

As the steps suggested, after a minute of belly dancing to the sole sound of the drum, the violins picked up a background pattern as I approached Şahin and, after the girls who had been surrounding the prince had removed the table, kneeled less than a foot from him and slipped my perfume-scented silk accessory around the back of his neck, like a scarf. Holding both ends of the silk, I pulled his face close to mine and smirked before standing back up, leaving the silk hanging around his neck, and giving the last half minute of my dance with a sole silk veil. My last position, the one in which the music would stop, was after a twirl meant to spread about my skirt before I knelt down in front of Şahin, my rear seated on the soles of my feet and my bent knees visible from the slits of the skirt.

I drew heavy breaths as I closed my eyes and caught my breath in front of Şahin, grateful that he was the only one who could see I had my eyes closed. When I opened them again, something on the carpet between Şahin and me caught my eye. A single, small, purple handkerchief with golden hems was tossed between us. At that moment, I gave him a look of sheer horror. Was he serious? And he had the nerve to smirk and give a slow clap. I wanted to duel him right then and there, and nothing else. I wanted to communicate my displeasure with him, but the only way that I could do that at the moment was by glaring at him until my breath stilled. I picked up the handkerchief with obvious contempt in my expression and fixed my features before turning around and giving Safiye Sultan a courtesy and a small smile, to which she returned a nod and what I discerned as pride. That was extremely odd, having _Safiye Sultan_ proud of you. It was practically impossible, really. However, in that situation, it was understandable. The Crimean crown, though a property of the Ottoman throne, was still a significantly notable part of the kingdom. And by seducing the Crimean prince into wanting to bed me (which was what the purple handkerchief symbolised), I had upheld the reputation of the Ottoman harem and thus of its keeper: Safiye Sultan. Now, all I had left to do was avoid disappointing the prince _in bed…_  
_This is going to be difficult._

°•°•°•°

I was immediately taken to the baths, in order to clean up any sheen of sweat my skin might have shown. I avoided wetting my hair as I rubbed soap on my skin as quickly as I could and rinsed off. I went the the beauty parlour again to slip on an amber dress whose fabric felt heavy yet soft against my skin. The buttons were in the back, so I had a girl help me wear it while I applied perfume on either side of my neck, right below my ears, and in my cleavage after some insistence on Mihrimah's side. The dress had summer sleeves, linked only in the crooks of the elbows with small bejewelled clasps; and the lacy amber skirt had a slit in the middle which revealed a milky white underskirt. My hair was brushed again and curled in soft, undulating strands here and there, and a golden headdress kept together the strands which would have otherwise hung on either side of my face.

Thus was I dressed when I was escorted to the bedroom which had been prepared for Şahin Giray. When I was admitted inside, the candles had been lit and the doors to the balcony were open. Seeing that I had been thrust into the bedroom alone, I figured that I could go out and have some fresh, yet icy cold, air. My white-and-gold fabric shoes hit softly against the marble of the balcony as I felt a chill run through my body. Goose bumps appeared on my arms and my chest as I "bravely" made my way to the end of the balcony. Istanbul, under a thick layer of snow, looked like the most enchanting city since Olympus.  
The first few miles of the Mediterranean sea were frozen, keeping all boats away from the harbour. The sky was clear, that night, and the crescent moon shined nearly as brightly as a full moon would, illuminating the frozen shores and the snow-covered rooftops. No night was as bright as that night, and I felt that no night in the future would ever be. I drew in a deep breath, which burned my lungs, but I didn't care. It felt nice. I felt _alive_.

"That was quite a show you put on, back there." Şahin's drawl made me jump.  
I turned around, releasing a breathy giggle which appeared in cloudy mists. He was leaning against the balcony doorway, legs crossed at the ankles and arms folded over his chest."I didn't hear you come in."  
He raised his eyebrows and indicated the main doors of the bedroom. "I knocked."  
I scoffed. It was just the two of us now, so I could act naturally in this situation. "I hardly believe that."  
He scowled at me, although a small smirk was playing at the corners of his lips. It was as though he'd realised that even in a fancy dress or dancing the way that I did, I was still the same impertinent sparring partner that he was used to.  
I walked past him and sat, cross-legged on the bed, holding my joined ankles together with my right hand and disillusioning him completely from the femininity that I was supposed to be communicating. "So, what's the plan?"  
He frowned minutely, not having moved an inch except to follow my moves with his curious gaze. "What plan?" Şahin asked, faking innocence.  
My heart skipped a beat. "Wasn't this some sort of scheme? Suggesting Eid entertainment and throwing the purple handkerchief, and all that?"  
He turned in a swift move towards the room and bent over the small Persian table to take an almond and tossing it in his mouth, chewing it in loud cracks. "There is no plan. I just had that idea when I saw you as an obedient little servant, so very different from your usual… _tenacious_ self." He grinned as he sipped on the tea I hadn't noticed had been set before I got in.  
I tried to hide my shudder. "Şahin, you don't expect me to… I mean, you don't expect us to have an intercourse, right?"  
He smirked, making my stomach twist uncomfortably. "Why not? It's still better than Mehmet." Something told me that he didn't think of his brother when he said that.  
My jaw went slack at his statement. "Şahin, I…" Words disappeared in my throat as, for the very first time, I didn't feel safe in Şahin's presence.  
He gave me an indulging look. "Yes?"  
"You know that I'm in lov—"  
"Ahhh yes, Dervish. Yes, I remember. And I also remember that he cannot even afford to marry a free, Muslim woman. So, a slave like yourself?" He scoffed exaggeratedly. "Forget it. You two are better off as star-crossed lovers who will only ever be able to steal kisses from one another."

At that, my vision clouded as I leapt off of the bed and lunged at him, my fist ready to collide with his cheek. He somehow expected my move, especially since it took me three strides to reach him, and easily avoided my fist, using its strength to make me twirl around landing my back hard against his massive chest, holding my forearm against my stomach in an iron grip.

He then laughed heartily, brushing his bearded cheek against my ear as he asked, still laughing and probably tearing up a bit. "Did you honestly think that you could land a blow? I taught you everything you know, you weigh nothing against me in hand to hand combat, you innocent flower."  
I tried to free myself from his grasp, but his grip was too strong. "Let go, Şahin."  
He clicked his tongue disapprovingly, "Where are your manners, Alayssabat Hatun?"  
"Wherever you threw yours, Şehzade Şahin." I bit back as venomously as I could.  
He chuckled again, softly. "Don't worry, Alayssabat. I'll be gentle, I promise you." And with that, he buried his lips in the crook of my neck and planted a kiss which sent shivers down my spine.  
I chose that moment of weakness to extract myself from him and face him. I glared at him like I never had before.

I spoke one word, mustering all the coldness and steadiness that I could in my voice, unconsciously pointing my finger at him. "Don't."  
His face fell, suddenly. "Is this all because of Dervish? Do you seriously think—"  
"This isn't because of anyone!" I exclaimed, my voice unwillingly loud. I quieted down. "This isn't about anyone but me. Please don't touch me or I swear to God that I will kill you."  
He gave me a long, searching look, before sighing in what I recognised as defeat. "Fine… Fine, but would you mind sharing the bed?"

I was clearly taken aback by his reaction. I had expected him to ask for explanations. I considered what sharing the bed with him might entail, and I thought that if he understood now, he'd understand later that I wasn't giving in. I was ready to die to get out of that situation.  
We went to bed after he removed his marine blue vest and boots and I kicked off my shoes. I lied down on the left of the bed, against the wall, and he kept an uncharacteristically respectful foot of space between us as he lied down on his back. For the first few minutes, we stayed awkwardly silent, staring at the canopy's ceiling.

He cleared his throat and I heard him turn towards me. I feared the worst. "Do you snore?"  
I blinked several times and frowned, but kept my eyes on the ceiling. "Not that I know of, no. Do you?"  
He exhaled sharply in an attempt at a scoff or a chuckle, I couldn't tell. "Do you think that I'd know? Anyone who might have slept with me would be too frightened to say the truth."  
I turned to face the wall as I murmured, "Well, I guess you'll find out tomorrow."  
"Good night to you too, Alayssabat."

°•°•°•°

_I was still frozen and wet, but I had managed to snatch a shirt which had been discarded by the men that found me. I was running as far away as I could from them, icy wind burning my lungs which had started making a worrying noise. I couldn't feel my feet anymore, but I was pretty sure that I had stepped on a twig at some point and that I was bleeding. I didn't care at that moment, I only needed to get away from my assailants. How I wished I still had my bow and arrows…_  
_Finally, after what felt like an eternity of running through the frozen German forest, I caught sight of an abandoned shack. I didn't miss a beat as I turned towards its location. I found the door hanging off its hinges, so I tried to keep it as upright as I could and to find any piece of furniture which could block it. When I did so, I also found a piece of rotten wood which would serve as my meager means of defence. As I backed into the corner of the shack which was opposite the entrance, I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around my body and I screeched, trying my best to land a blow but failing. I knew what would happen next, oh I did…_

The next thing I knew, I was in bed with a rather annoyed Şahin trying to wake me up. I bolted upright and leapt off the bed in one move I wouldn't have succeeded in, normally. I subconsciously hugged myself as I backed away from him towards the fireplace. I regarded him with utmost fear, despite knowing that he somehow wouldn't hurt me. But he was a _man_, and men were… men were evil in the flesh.

With no control over my body whatsoever, I sank with my back against the wall, hugging my knees and sobbing uncontrollably. I hid my face and kept on crying until I felt the feeling quiet down within me. When I finally looked up, the look on Şahin's face was not of annoyance, as I expected; nor was it of worry, as I'd dared to hope. No, the look on his face was utter shock, as though I had just done something he'd never had expected from me.

I wiped my tears, sniffling as I tried to conjure up my voice. "I— I'm sorry I woke you up."  
To answer that, he marched slowly towards me and knelt down in front of me, leaving enough distance for me not to recoil. "What just happened?" He asked with a softness I didn't know he had in him.  
"I was having a nightmare, I think that's pretty clear." I retorted, voice still low and tearful.  
"That was more than a nightmare, it felt like a hallucination or…" he trailed off, locking eyes with me with a pity I hated to discern in his features. I needed him to tell me to tough it up, that only children would be as weak, I wanted him to awaken the warrior in me. But instead, he regarded me as though he were my saviour and I despised that feeling.  
Lacking his motivation, I conjured up my own as I explained, "It was a memory, all right? Now let's go back to sleep."  
"Have you confessed it to anyone?" He asked, still using that infuriatingly soft tone.  
"Şuruk Hatun," I managed through gritted teeth. "And that's only because she asked why I was not… why I was already used."  
"Did she help?"  
At that, I snapped. "Would you please stop pitying me so much, it's frustrating! Tell me that I'm exaggerating, that I'm acting like a child, that I can tough it up! Anything but this, please!" I little short of yelled at the prince.  
"I don't need to tell you to tough it up because you already are toughing it up. And sorry for being worried about you, Hatun, but after a year of being your tutor I came to care about you, to my great despair!" Şahin snapped right back at me. "This is hard for me too, I'm not used to feeling that way for anyone but Mehmet."  
At that, I finally took a look at his fire lit face. The flames danced in his warm brown irises and, without giving it much thought, I leaned in and placed a shaky kiss on his lips. When I withdrew, he still had the same pleading look. He came to sit to my left, placing his arm around my shoulders and drawing me close to him. He was surprisingly warm and soft, two qualities I would never have expected from Şahin Giray. I looked back up at him and he brushed my last tear off of my cheek with his thumb. I rested my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"Would you like to go back to bed?" He asked in a murmur that vibrated through his chest.

I nodded soundlessly and we resumed our position on the grey sheeted canopy bed, with the exception that I voluntarily snuggled against him. I rested my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. After ten minutes of deep breathing, I felt him tentatively run his fingers through my hair. I rearranged my position against him as a wordless authorisation to proceed with his ministrations. He obliged, and quite clumsily so, for I figured that he wasn't used to this kind of relationship.

I lifted my head from his chest after some time and locked eyes with him in the dim lighting. After having given the matter some thought, I kissed him passionately and straddled him. He responded, tentatively at first, until he took the control of the situation for the rest of the night.  
I woke up that day to the feeling of Şahin's arm tightening around my body as he slept. I tried to go back to sleep but I didn't need it anymore, so I carefully extracted myself from his hold and got off the bed. I dressed back up, fastening what I could of the buttons, before slipping on Şahin's vest and taking the cushions to form a comfortable seat in the balcony. I didn't know how much time I had spent looking at the grey sky, knees bent against my body and arms folded over my legs in order to keep what little warmth I had within my body.

This was when I heard the doors to the balcony open to reveal Şahin in full attire except for the vest I had borrowed. He sat wordlessly next to me and I drew myself close to him, discreetly breathing in his familiar scent.

"Good morning." I muttered after a few minutes, my voice coming out hoarse.  
"Good morning." His response felt somewhat cold, and I wondered what I had done wrong.  
I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked up at him. "Are you all right?"  
He barely spared me a glance as he replied, "Are you?"  
I rearranged my position so as to face him and folded my arms over my chest. "All right, speak up. What's wrong?"  
He regarded me with a coldness he meant as intimidating, but I knew him all too well to be fooled. He wavered and, in a frustrated sigh, he hissed, "You have absolutely no respect for me."  
I kept myself from scoffing at the last second and merely blinked at him. "How could you say, or even think that?"  
"Are you serious? From the day we met, you spoke to me with nothing but disdain, only using my rightful title sarcastically."  
I placed my hand on his folded arms and locked eyes with him. "Şahin, I have as much respect for you as you have for me. It's the way I behave with everyone that I know, unless they're people who have power to take away food or shelter. I am not high born as you are, I have to stomp down on my pride on a daily basis to afford food, shelter, and clothing; but I digress. I do respect you, I merely got used to treating you as my equal."  
I knew that I hit a sensitive note when I said that I treated him as my equal; after all, I was still a slave and he was still a prince, but I felt like lying to him would be contradictory with my claims. "Your equal?" Şahin asked, raising an eyebrow.  
A small smile crept across my features as I nudged his chest through his shirt and murmured, "Do you expect anyone else to be as honest with you as I am? Perhaps your brother, but I somehow doubt he would tell you the truths that you don't like to hear." I was proud of my argument as I saw how he fought to admit it.  
"The truths that I don't want to hear? Such as..?" He asked challengingly, unconsciously puffing up his chest.  
I suddenly wore an uneasy expression, in order to throw him off, and muttered, "Well, about your snoring for instance." I paused for effect and locked eyes with him, and I was proud to notice his brow creasing minutely before I gave a toothy grin. "You don't snore, not at all."  
His face broke into a chuckle and he pushed me lightly away. "You silly creature…"  
I leaned forward and murmured, "You like your silly creature…" before planting a soft kiss on his lips, to which he responded by cupping my face and snaking his arm around my body, pulling me closer to him. I broke the kiss to take a long look at him and run my thumb across his bearded cheek.  
He looked at me searchingly. "Why have you changed your mind?"

I then realised that I had completely forgotten about Dervish, who would be coming home to the palace in a few days and would find out that I had taken the opportunity to bed Şahin Giray and become his concubine. Oh, I knew perfectly what he'd think. He would think that I accepted to be Şahin's concubine in order to rule over Crimea and perhaps bear heirs to the throne, and live as a queen. That was exactly what he would have thought, and seeing my current situation, he might have been right. That was the fact which was unnerving, that he might have been right. Although, to be frank, I wasn't exactly sure what had changed my mind. Perhaps was it the fact that I felt safe with Şahin after the nightmare, despite having been the trigger to it.

I drew in a deep breath and pressed my lips together, shaking my head ever so slightly. "I'm not sure… it just felt right."  
"Does it still feel right?"  
I nodded wordlessly, letting a small smile form on my face.  
He ran his fingers through my hair and tucked a strand behind my right ear. "I'm starving, we should get ready for breakfast." He announced, though we hadn't moved an inch from our position.  
"I'm mostly displeased with the cold, let's go in." I suggested, standing up from his lap, where our kisses had landed me, and extending my hand to help him up.  
He stood up, tucking his shirt into his pants as I entered the bedroom, already loosening up the buttons on his vest. "Will you be keeping that, Alayssabat Sultan?" Şahin asked sarcastically as I opened the vest and held it widely for him to slip into.  
"I am not pregnant, Şehzade." I retorted, looking for where I had flung my shoes as I fastened his vest.  
"You might be, and if that's the case, your title will change." He said, as a matter of fact.  
I ignored his statement by moving my hair from my back and asking, "Is the dress well fastened?"  
"Do I look like a _jariye_ to you?" Şahin asked, faking outrage.  
I leaned my back against his chest and looked up at him, grinning widely. "You had no problem removing this dress last night, what changed?"

I felt a frustrated growl rumble within his chest and through to my back as he made me stand upright again and fastened the dozen or so buttons which I had linked to the wrong slits. When he was finished, he snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me against his chest again, stealing a kiss.

"Thank you, Şahin." I murmured, facing him. "I will get ready for breakfast."

°•°•°•°

A bath and a change of dress later, I made my way back to the bedroom which had been magically cleaned and where a copious breakfast was served. I checked the balcony for Şahin, but he once again would be coming after me. I debated whether I ought to start eating, but I decided against it as I stayed in the balcony which I had started taking a liking to.

My mind had gone far in the future when I heard the doorman announce a royal. "His Majesty—!" He was interrupted by the doors flinging open and both Giray brothers penetrating the bedroom, closely followed by Mustafa Agha. Upon seeing the third party, I gave a courtesy to the princes.

"Oh, you're here already. I came to announce that you would be moving to the Giray house by the end of today, your belongings are on their way there as we speak." Mustafa announced with a hint of pride.  
I gave him a warm smile. "Thank you for everything, Mustafa Agha."

He returned the smile with a secrecy I was most confused at discerning. Was I missing out on something?

Şahin raised a hand. "You are dismissed, Agha."  
Mustafa bowed. "Şehzade." And he left.  
I let a few seconds stretch before remarking, "You could have been nicer, Şahin." I then directed a friendly beam at Mehmet. "It's lovely to see you, Mehmet."  
He grinned back. "Likewise, Alayssabat. I see you've been enjoying yourself." Mehmet concluded, his gaze shifting between his brother and me.  
I hated to feel my cheeks burn as I immediately justified myself, "It wasn't exactly meant to happen."  
"It was to me," Şahin shrugged as he went back inside the bedroom, settled down, and started eating.  
I rolled my eyes at his statement and followed him inside. "Pour me a tea, will you?" I demanded in mock haughtiness.  
He raised what he thought was a threatening eyebrow, which made me giggle as I sat on the cushion next to his. "Your impertinence is really getting old, Alayssabat."  
I reached up and kissed his cheek. "You know I was being funny." I murmured as I poured three glasses of tea while Mehmet sat across from us.  
"You two look like a couple, and I have to admit that it's frightening." Mehmet shuddered exaggeratedly as he accepted his glass.  
"Aside from the physical closeness, I'm the same as ever with Şahin. With you as well, in fact." I stated as I placed Şahin's glass in front of him.  
"And pray do tell, what is that supposed to mean?" Şahin asked me, accepting his tea.  
"Certainly not what you have in mind, Şehzade." I replied, taking a hold of my tea and warming my fingers through the glass.

He was going to retort when a knock came on the door. Before Şahin could object, Mehmet admitted whoever was behind the door and it turned out to be Reyhan Agha.

As soon as the doors closed, I muttered, "Reyhan Agha? But… aren't you supposed to be in Egypt?"  
He raised an eyebrow. "So it _is_ true, then."  
"Is _what_ true, Reyhan?" Mehmet asked with a hint of annoyance.

Reyhan glared at me for a second before changing the subject, much to Şahin's frustration as he grunted in response to Reyhan's greeting. Now, in a normal situation, I would have tried to soothe Şahin and his anger issues, but in that case, it was I who needed the soothing. What exactly was Reyhan's issue with me?

"Why weren't you announced?" Şahin asked through gritted teeth, in a scarily calm tone.  
"I thought that your visit to the palace meant a mission was in progress." He gave a fleeting glance in my direction, though not fleeting enough for Şahin to miss the implication. "I was mistaken, and I apologise."  
I exchanged a look with Mehmet who appeared to be suppressing a snicker. My gaze then became questioning as he wet his bottom lip and nibbled on a baklava. As I turned again towards Şahin, barely a second after Reyhan had apologised, I noticed the elder Giray tracing the lines of a dark red Lokum cube with his thumb. He looked pensive.

"To whom?" Were his only words.  
"Excuse me, Şehzade?"  
"To whom do you apologise?" Şahin then looked up from the candy and shot an icy glare right into Reyhan's unsuspecting eyes.  
"Uh— well, to y—" He started, only to be interrupted by Şahin standing up to face the eunuch properly.  
"Because there was nearly no insult towards me or Mehmet. Your coming here is a demonstration of loyal services and assiduity." He then extended his arm towards me and continued, "But what about the implication toward her?"  
"I… am not sure I understand, Şehzade." His voice betrayed panic I hated to sympathise with.  
"You insulted her while she is in her own right, Reyhan Agha. She's no longer a member of your harem, she is _my_ concubine and no one else's. Understood?"  
Reyhan bowed to him and then repeated the courtesy to me, which I found most embarrassing. "My deepest apologies if I offended you, Alayssabat Hatun."  
"Sultan." Şahin corrected, making me mentally face palm.  
"Alayssabat Sultan."

Reyhan quickly escaped the situation by knocking for the doormen to let him out. I sighed audibly as Şahin came to sit back down next to me.

He gave me a look I understood. "What?"  
I was not going to argue his actions, not so easily. I picked up my tea and took a sip. "Nothing."  
It was his turn to sigh. "Speak."  
"You did not have to defend me." I stated, using my tea as a distraction from the incoming argument.  
"If I hadn't said anything, you wouldn't have been satisfied, either. What was I to do?" His frustration was clearly audible in his tone of voice.  
"I never asked anyone to help me in such a situation." I replied coldly, the sweetened tea feeling suddenly sour in my mouth.  
"Oh is that so? Because I distinctly recall you yelling for help in your sleep last night—" Şahin interrupted himself mid-sentence, perhaps realising that he had gone too far.  
Mehmet made to stand up. "I'll leave you two—"  
"No!" I nearly bellowed, standing up myself and smoothing the skirt of my dress. "I'm leaving, you stay here and enjoy your breakfast."  
Şahin had found his voice again as he cleared his throat and began, "Alayssabat, I—"  
"Don't. I'll see you in the evening."  
"You… will?" He seemed taken off guard by my statement.

I turned around and faced him. He had such an unfamiliar expression of guilt and confusion that he felt like a completely different person. He was, in a way, and I would never know him in the way that I had before.

"Do I have a choice?" I hated how low my voice had got during my emotional silence.

Not expecting a reply, I flung the doors open and made my way to the harem I knew I would miss. I was found by my backup dancers of yesterday who either congratulated me or deemed me lucky. I would have preferred to be in their place, merely a witness to one's privilege. I would have liked for them not to see me as the centrepiece of that day. It took Mihrimah, my best friend in the palace, shooing them off to calm me down. I wasn't a very enthusiastic person at the best of times, but that moment was just the worst for me to be the centre of attention.

°•°•°•°

After the sundown prayer, I was given a rather fancy coat to wear over my dress; the kind only given to the most appreciated concubines of the harem. It was shaped like a heavy, long sleeved dress with buttons on the left of the bust rather than down the middle. It was made out of warm, marine blue material which felt like cashmere but looked like velvet; and it had light grey embroidery on the forearms of the sleeves and framing the neckline and buttons.

The coat felt like the confirmation of my new status in the society I had learned to be a part of, and it somehow made me tear up. I was building something I knew I would have to abandon at some point in the future, and the worst part was that I was starting to get attached to its elements. I was in deep trouble, to say the least.

Waiting for me in the entrance hall were the princes, all four of them. Mehmet and Şahin, but also Mahmud and Ahmed, the Sultan's sons, and their mothers: Halime and Handan, respectively. And at the end of the row was someone I had not expected would bid me goodbye: Safiye Sultan herself.

I advanced shakily toward the assembly line and bowed before Handan Sultan, Halime Sultan, Şehzade Mahmud, and when I arrived in front of Şehzade Ahmed and was about to bow, he did the most unexpected thing. Little Ahmed quite literally jumped and gave me the tightest hug a child of his size could give. I had never known that he liked me as much as he showed at that instant. It is fair to say that I was startled, and so were all of the others in line.  
I knelt in order to keep my balance and hugged him back as tightly as I could, only waiting for him to let go. When he did, I arranged his tiny, dark green, satin turban when he pulled back and gave him my warmest smile. That small person had brightened up my whole day.

"Will you visit me?" Ahmed asked, worry tainting his innocent voice.  
"I'll try my best, Şehzade. If they allow me, of course."  
He spread his little arms about him. "Well I allow you! I'm a Prince and I allow you to visit me."  
I gave a brief glance at Safiye Sultan, who nodded minutely, before widening my smile at the young one. "I will, then. I can't wait to see you again, Şehzade."  
"Yay!" Ahmed cheered as he threw his arms around me again.  
Then came Safiye's turn to bid me goodbye. I gave a considerable courtesy, and I only stood straight again when she signalled it to me with a wave of her hand.

We locked eyes for almost a minute before she spoke. "Never forget where you came from, Alayssabat Hatun."

Though it was meant to remind me that Safiye Sultan had been the one to enable me to become the concubine of a prince, the effect ran much deeper through my memories. Flashes of my childhood, and mostly of my time as a lady's maid, invaded my thoughts like a battalion of feelings. I was thankfully able to mask my emotions as I gave her a final bow and a small, grateful smile.

*•*•*•*

I would spend the whole ride, which was about an hour, looking thoughtfully through one of the holes in the wood carving which constituted the closest thing to a window. Şahin was about to speak about four times, but decided against it at the last second; which I was grateful for. Thinking about Aline made me in no mood to speak to anyone, much less him. Mehmet was riding on his mare, leading the coach to the Giray house.

I wordlessly exited the coach with help from Mehmet, who frowned minutely at seeing me looking upset.

"Is something the matter?" He asked in a hushed whisper before signalling towards Şahin in a nod.  
I shook my head and tried to grin. "No, I figure I'm only tired. Not to mention that I said goodbye to the girls in the harem today."  
He gave a long nod as Şahin stood by my side and offered me his arm, which I accepted. "It's not really as though you're never seeing them again. You'll accompany Şahin on official visits, like yesterday was."  
I nodded back to him, not bothering to try for a smile anymore. "All right." I then turned to Şahin. "May I please be excused?"  
We had just penetrated the nightly familiar entrance, and I was more than ready to be left alone. Şahin seemed taken aback by my request, but still he indicated the staircase to me. "Certainly. Hayriye Hatun will show you to your chamber."

Hayriye had just come out of what I would learn to be the kitchen when Şahin mentioned her, which was a smooth transition as I immediately followed her upstairs. She showed me to a room in front of the one she used to dress me in, which I was thankful for. The dressing room was full of memories and I didn't want it tainted by my current mood.

When she opened the double doors, I was met with a decent-sized, nicely decorated room. There was, however, an issue. The room contained no windows. I had gotten used to constantly be able to view the sky, and this made the room feel stifling. The coat which once made me feel regal was strangling me. I asked Hayriye where I could place it, and she immediately started unbuttoning it.

I held her hands in mine. "I can manage."  
She smiled indulgently. "I know you can, Alayssabat Sultan, but this is my purpose. Especially now that you're here as his Majesty's concubine."

I tried to argue but my vocal chords wouldn't cooperate with my mind, and so I just let her dress me into a lighter indoor gown. Its colour reminded me of coffee and its ornamental embroidery was like the foam of a freshly brewed coffee cup.


End file.
